It is therefore important to differentiate acceptance of reality from endorsement of harmful acts or behaviors.
A solid way to practice accepting reality while rejecting being on the receiving end of harmful behavior from another person is to maintain healthy, effective boundaries.
A boundary is that which divides one entity from another. You and I are separate. We can have different thoughts and beliefs, and still be okay. We can disagree, and still love and respect one another. Or, if you are not safe for me to be around, I can acknowledge that reality and take actions to protect myself.
As it turns out, we–in the collective sense…on local, regional, national, and global levels–are experiencing a trauma as I type this. Yes, I’m talking about the COVID-19 pandemic. We have been confronted with many possible threats to our wellbeing: unemployment & loss of income, serious health effects from the virus that include risk of death, loss of access to our usual social supports, loss of structure and routine, and lack of reliable information on how best to keep ourselves safe. Our usual way of life has been turned upside down, with no clear end in sight–and I imagine many of us have felt helpless and scared, along with angry and disillusioned.
What an appropriate time to practice setting boundaries!
Consider an adult child (Bob) of overly controlling parents, who have a history of invading his privacy, invalidating his feelings, and being verbally and emotionally abusive. He has been engaged in therapy to address the lasting impact of this childhood trauma from his past, and to learn better ways of interacting with his parents in the present. Frustrated and exasperated that his parents aren’t taking COVID-19 more seriously, during a recent phone conversation with his mother, Bob shouts:
“You can’t ride the bus to go grocery shopping right now, you’re over 65 and you have COPD! You’re also putting other people at risk when you don’t limit your exposure…that’s just irresponsible and foolish!”
Framing a boundary in this way suggests that one person has the ability to control another, which simply isn’t true. (And if we’re being honest, the person receiving this message is probably not going to react with enthusiasm and understanding.) We can only control our own actions and responses to another’s behavior. A simple but effective way to express boundaries that still allows for the other person’s autonomy, is to use an if/then statement.
IF ___, THEN ___.
Let’s break this down:
- “I care about you, and I care about the health of my family.”
- “If you haven’t been taking recommended precautions like social distancing and wearing a mask when you go out in public, then you can’t visit with me or the kids on Sunday like we’d originally planned.”
- We’ll have to schedule a Zoom call instead, so I know I’m doing my part to keep everyone as safe as possible.”
This is an explicit boundary. It’s comprised of 3 distinct parts:
- Bob’s expectations around the behavior or action(s), with rationale*. (*Note that rationale is not always warranted in every situation where a boundary is set. As a popular saying goes, “No is a complete sentence.”)
- The consequence(s) the other person will face if they choose not to meet Bob’s expectations.
- Bob’s follow through on the consequence(s) if the other person does not respect his boundary.
The most common places I see people struggle when trying to set and maintain healthy boundaries are parts 2 & 3. My usual advice to clients is to be sure to decide upon consequences that feel reasonable and that you know you can follow through with. (If you have difficulty with this or any other part of boundary setting, talking with a therapist can help clarify where you stand and feel more confident in your decisions.) In other words, don’t bluff. If you state a consequence and then don’t follow through with it, the only message you’re communicating to the other person is that you don’t mean what you say, and your boundaries don’t really need to be respected.
Once Bob has stated his boundary, if his parents show up to his home on Sunday and expect to visit with the family in spite of not adhering to CDC recommendations to prevent risk of exposure to COVID-19, Bob has two choices: 1) He can feel defeated and helpless, taking the viewpoint that his parents will always invade his space and cross his boundaries, and reluctantly let them into his home for a visit. Or, 2) Bob is well within his rights to decline to open the door. He can reiterate his original boundary and express his regrets, as well as send his parents an invitation for a Zoom call.
Once you’ve set and maintained your boundary by following through with any consequences that you’d stated, here’s where the acceptance piece comes in.
Bob has expressed his concern to his parents in a genuine and caring way. He’s let them know up front what his expectations are, and what consequences they will face if they don’t meet these expectations. With this information, if Bob’s parents still choose to engage in risky behavior that crosses his boundary, he is not responsible for the after effects. He may still worry about them, and he may feel disappointed if they can only connect via Zoom as opposed to spending time together in person. He may also feel angry if they still show up to his home in spite of his wishes, and guilty if he chooses to turn them away. If his parents get sick as a result of not following CDC guidelines, he may feel very sad and regretful – AND know that he is respecting their autonomy and acknowledging that he cannot control their actions. I might say to Bob something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry that your parents continue to disregard your valid concerns and try to stomp all over your boundaries. That’s not fair, just like it wasn’t fair that the people who were supposed to keep you safe in childhood didn’t do so. However, I also know that you are no longer that small child depending on your parents – you’re a capable adult who can make informed decisions and take care of himself and his family.“
Letting go of the urge to control others and instead focusing on one’s own behaviors frees up energy that can be directed toward more fruitful endeavors. It may seem easier said than done, but it does get easier with practice. If you recognize aspects of yourself in the example about “Bob,” here are some additional reading recommendations that may be of interest:
John Townsend & Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families
Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency