Many of my clients have dogs, and many of their dogs have some sort of separation anxiety that has been addressed through training, psychotropic medications, etc. I have my own rescue dog who got a rough start in life, and I often joke about how “he’s very sensitive, like his mom” (i.e., me). I love hearing about people’s pets, and I think they can be great sources of wisdom and emotional support. Plus, when I hear about how people relate to their pets (especially their dogs), it usually gives me some insight into their own self-concept and worldview.
Disclaimer: While I have worked in the past as a veterinary technician, I am neither a dog trainer nor an animal behaviorist.
Here’s an example of how this conversation might play out in a therapy session:
“Wow, your dog does sound like he takes a lot of work, which must be draining! And I can tell that you have a hard time trusting him. It seems like you are constantly holding your breath, waiting for him to mess up again…dreading the inevitability of it. (Client affirms this.) First of all – my guess is that your dog can probably sense that. Second, I wonder if that sounds at all similar to how you feel about yourself?”
And then there’s a knowing look from the client, a moment of realization.
I know something about this because I’ve experienced it myself. A couple years ago, I was taking agility classes with my rescue dog, who we suspect is a mix of 2 different intelligent, high energy breeds. He’s smart, but has difficulty focusing, and everytime in class that I was about to let him off leash to run through the agility course, I would feel the anxiety pulsing through my body, waiting for him to lose control and tear around the room, worrying about wasting everyone’s time while I tried to regain his attention and direct him back to the course. I found myself expecting the worst, and I became disheartened, stern, and punitive with him when those expectations proved to be true.
I absolutely believe that my dog felt my anxiety and disapproval. Meanwhile, I felt like a failure as a dog mom. It was not fun for either of us. When the trainer gave me feedback and suggested that I only give attention to the positive, and give huge praise whenever my dog did something RIGHT, it was like being smacked with a hard truth – I was being critical of my dog like I am critical of myself, and it feels pretty terrible to be a near-constant disappointment.
At that point I decided to take a break from agility training while I worked on my perfectionistic tendencies and negative self-talk, and tried to foster more trust and positive feelings toward my dog – and myself! It’s gotten better, but it will always be a work in progress.
Even if you don’t have a dog to help you, you can start to notice your internal monologue, and the nature and tone of your self-talk.
Is it critical? Shaming? Diminishing?
Or is it kind? Understanding? Encouraging?
If you notice that your self-talk is usually pretty negative, that’s okay…
- The first step in making changes in your self-talk (and by extension, your self-concept) is to notice what you’re currently saying.
- Without judgment — in other words, try not to add criticism on top of criticism — note to yourself that you’re self-talk is not very kind.
- Then let go of it. It’s not necessary to cling to it, nor is it helpful to push it away. Simply let go.
- Try offering yourself a more compassionate alternative. Instead of, “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I said that out loud in front of my boss!” you might try something like, “I was caught off guard, so I wasn’t prepared to respond in that moment. I can take a few minutes now to follow up with an email to my boss to clarify what I meant.” Or maybe, “My boss knows why I’m an asset to the team, and so do I. I’ll be better prepared for the next meeting and everything will be okay.”
- Practice this process repeatedly, until it becomes second nature.
As for myself and my dog, I try to check in and notice when I’m feeling anxious with him. If there’s tension in my body while we’re out walking, with intention, I let it go. If we’re approaching a big dog and I’m worried that he’s going to pull on his leash and lunge, I visualize us passing by the big dog without incident. In my mind, I send my dog messages that I trust him, because I know he’s a good dog. I praise him immediately after he succeeds. I practice this over and over again, because I believe that the shift in my thoughts and energy are communicated to my dog through my body language, actions, and tone of voice. I practice some form of meditation nearly every day and send kind words to myself, too. I’m hoping that I can find space in my schedule so Figi and I can return to agility classes this winter.
“I have this theory, that if we’re told we’re bad
Then that’s the only idea we’ll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
…
I’d rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me ’cause I’d like to stay that way.”
-Jewel
Song: I’m Sensitive
Album: Pieces of You